susieworld

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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (the post-Oscars edition) March 2, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 7:54 AM
I couldn't find an image of this week's cover, so here is a picture of a kitten.

I couldn’t find an image of this week’s cover, so here is a picture of a kitten.

So most of what I learned this week is who all the ladies wore to the Oscars. But the cover story was about the (air quotes) virgin (un-air quotes) bachelor being torn between two women. There’s good stuff this week, though, so check it out!

 

1.)                Us Weekly begins the issue by being its usual presumptuous self by claiming to know “what went wrong” between Josh Brolin and Diane Lane, who recently ended their eight-year marriage. But “a pal” says it was simply too much time apart. “It’s not ugly. It’s just over.”

 

2.)                Don’t MESS with Kelly Clarkson! She’s a little POed at Clive Davis, who she says lied about her in his new memoir and in real life made her cry.

 

3.)                Divas will be divas. Even in the delivery room. Beyonce’s mom curled her hair before she gave birth. Snooki wore bronzer and false eyelashes to deliver her son. And Mariah Carey pushed out two oddly-named babies before changing into a wedding gown and renewing her vows.

 

4.)                Boy George recently lost a shit-ton of weight! Go, boy!

 

5.)                66% of Us Weekly readers say Harper Beckham has a better pout than her famous Spice Girl mom, Victoria.

 

6.)                QUOTE OF THE ISSUE: “I’ve been watching shows like ‘I’m Pregnant and Addicted to Meth.’ It definitely makes me feel better if I’m wanting one sip of Diet Coke … I’m like, ‘This woman is on METH.’” –Kim Kardashian

 

7.)                81% of Us Weekly readers agree with me and abhor Anne Hathaway’s Oscar gown.

 

8.)                Kristen Stewart, who annoys the bejeezus out of me, was a gimp at the awards show because she’d stepped on a piece of glass and didn’t want to use crutches. So she looked like an idiot instead. Also, she needs a comb.

 

9.)                The highlight of George Clooney’s post-Oscar “Argo” bash was that everyone wanted to do shots.

 

10.)            The bar was substantially lowered after the Academy Awards, as evidenced by the attendance list at Elton John’s AIDS Foundation party. Britney Spears and all three Kardashians were in attendance. Brit-Brit is sporting darker locks these days and looks good considering who she is.

 

11.)            There was another awards show last weekend. No one cares about the Independent Spirit Awards, though.

 

12.)            Natalie Portman’s Yorkshire terrier must pee a lot. She named him “Whiz.”

 

13.)            Now that they’ve announced she’s preggers, Fergie and Josh Duhamel are “nesting” by remodeling their house. Nothing like the chaos of a remodel followed immediately by the chaos of a newborn.

 

14.)            Dev Patel and Freida Pinto may be skinny, but they do eat.

 

15.)            Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer had a date night! OMG!

 

16.)            Former Bachelorette Emily Maynard is peeved that she was snubbed by Dancing With the Stars.

 

17.)            Andy Samberg put SOMETHING in a box. Apparently it was not his dick, but a ring. He’s engaged to a woman he’s been dating for the last five years. Don’t worry. You’ve never heard of her.

 

18.)            LeAnn Rimes may get her own TV show, much to Brandi Glanville’s chagrin. Rumors have been swirling that LeAnn could be joining her husband’s ex on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but I don’t see that happening. LeAnn’s people say she has been approached to do both unscripted and scripted TV.

 

19.)            Christina Applegate quietly got married last month. It was so quiet, only six people were invited.

 

20.)            Jennifer Love Hewitt is not married, or even attached, but she’s gonna have a baby, dammit!

 

21.)            Bethenny Frankel’s ex, Jason Hoppy has friends looking out for him by trying to set him up with dates.

 

22.)            Janet Jackson also quietly got married. Last year. But she tends to quietly get married as a rule.

 

23.)            Uh oh. Lindsay Lohan is in a heap of trouble with a little agency known as the IRS.

 

24.)            Mark your calendars! Justin Timberlake will be hosting SNL on March 9 and will perform with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night that entire week. Love me some JT. And if you have not seen his “History of Rap” videos with Jimmy, get thee on the You Tube and watch them!

 

25.)            Catherine and Lindsay are the two finalists to become the future ex-wife of Bachelor Sean Lowe. Meanwhile, producers are already looking at the cast offs to see who will become the next Bachelorette.

 

26.)            Duchess Kate is starting to show!

 

27.)            And Prince Harry has a new lady.

 

28.)            I’m sad to report that Michelle Williams and Jason Segel have split. Like Josh and Diane, it was mainly because they were too busy leading separate lives to see each other. I liked these two together, so, BUMMER!

 

29.)            The USO doesn’t get the kind of command performances it used to. This year’s special guest was Kellie Pickler, who was on American Idol but didn’t win.

 

30.)            In its parting shot, Us Weekly features the biggest fashion victims in Oscar history. Among them are Cher, Faith Hill, Gwyneth Paltrow, Geena Davis, Whoopi Goldberg, and, of course, Bjork who famously laid an egg in her swan dress on the red carpet. Personally, I’d say she was among the best dressed! Did you SEE some of those gowns last week? Ugh!

 

So that’s it, ladies and germs! Hope you’re as edumacated as I am on the goings-on in Tinseltown. Until next week, I bid you adieu!

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2 Responses to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (the post-Oscars edition)”

  1. Jennifer B Says:

    Love#8. She bugs the crap out of me, too. Why doesn’t she ever look groomed (or happy for that matter)?


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