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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: you can even have secrets in utero!) March 15, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 5:13 PM
Isn't she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

Isn’t she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

I don’t know how they did it, but Us Weekly has apparently learned a few private things about the Royal Fetus. I suppose the simplest way would be to simply ask the Royal Fetus directly, so I’m sure that’s what they did. Here are some more secrets I learned by reading Us Weekly:

 

1.)                 Vanessa Lachey admits she suffered from post-partum depression, but Starbucks and OneRepublic helped her overcome it.

 

2.)                 George Lucas announced that Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford have all signed on for the next Star Wars trilogy. I was a little worried that Harry would hold out and it just wouldn’t be the same without him. The dude is 70! Can’t wait to see elder porn with him and Carrie.

 

3.)                 Gwyneth Paltrow admits “I should have worn a bra” to the 2002 Oscars, to which she wore a sheer-ish gown that emphasized her not-so-perky boobs.

 

4.)                 The woman who once netted $12 million per movie is now asking her ex for alimony. She’s proven to be desperate about a lot of things. I’ll let you guess who I’m talking about, but don’t cheat by going out and buying this week’s Us, or you’ll have no reason to continue reading this blog!

 

5.)                 Nicki Minaj was the star of this week’s “What’s in my Bag” feature and I was shocked that her purse isn’t full of morning-after pills and KY jelly.

 

6.)                 Carly Rae Jepsen may have annoyed the universe with “Call Me Maybe,” but she gets major points from me for backing out of headlining the Boy Scouts’ National Scout Jamboree because the scouts are homophobes.

 

7.)                 Matt Damon got his butt spray tanned for his role in the upcoming Liberace biopic and his wife got to watch!

 

8.)                 Jessica Simpson is moving into Ozzy Osbourne’s former home and plans to re-paint the black walls.

 

9.)                 Ugh. Harry Styles of One Direction is going to be recreated in wax for Madame Tussaud’s. The wax museum is really slumming these days. Can’t they wait until a celeb has made more of a mark than becoming an overnight sensation and soon-to-be has-been?

 

10.)             Khloe Kardashian was snapped wearing gartered tights with a skirt that was much too short, showing off the garters. That’s not the way you’re supposed to do it, Khloe. You leave a little to the imagination to be sexy.

 

11.)             Paris Jackson, who is sporting shorter, darker hair, is now a cheerleader for her L.A. high school.

 

12.)             Guys! Zoe Saldana has a sister. And she’s equally hot! Ladies! Justin Long has a brother! And he’s equally awkward-looking.

 

13.)             Liev Schrieber is “just like Us” because he washes himself down. The difference is that he does so by going shirtless and dousing himself with a gallon of water like he belongs in a Diet Pepsi commercial from the ‘90s.

 

14.)             It’s “time to unwind” for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, whatever that means.

 

15.)             Anne Hathaway is not loved by all. She’s been upset by recent comments from Hatha-haters, as she lovingly calls them.

 

16.)             Ali Larter’s son is going through the terrible twos – just as she started to think she had the whole parenting thing under control.

 

17.)             Maggie Gyllenhaal got her 7-year-old daughter a fancy pair of vintage slippers just because the kid was home sick.

 

18.)             If you grew up in the 80s, as I did, you will be pleased or disgusted to know they’re remaking a movie from that era. “Heat” will star Sofia Vergara and Jason Statham.

 

19.)             Sarah Jessica Parker has given up heels! (Except for special occasions, of course.) And it’s all because she now has a deformed foot from wearing stilettos for so many years.

 

20.)             In really, really BAD news, Jon Stewart has announced that he will be taking the entire summer off from taping “The Daily Show.” In better news, Jon Oliver will fill in as host.

 

21.)             Alec Baldwin has announced that his wife will soon be presenting him with another “selfish little pig.” A daughter!

 

22.)             Holy frijoles! Ferris Bueller is 51 freakin’ years old!

 

23.)             Kristin Cavillari claims that “The Hills” producers asked her co-stars to lie about her drug use by plying them with Birkin bags.

 

24.)             Justin Timberlake cleverly took a shot at Kanye West during his live performance of “Suit and Tie” on SNL last weekend. While, I’m no fan of Kanye, I have to agree with his opinion that the song sucks. JT has simply stopped trying. Except when he’s doing “History of Rap” routines with Jimmy Fallon.

 

25.)             Kelly Osbourne apparently had a seizure while taping “Fashion Police” for E! Unfortunately, the seizure won’t be aired.

 

26.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville penned a memoir recently and it’s already been tossed around by movie makers.

 

27.)             Buh-bye, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Lord split ya! Oh, and Brooke Shields’ name has been bandied about as a possible replacement.

 

28.)             COVER STORY: The Royal Fetus has been nicknamed “Grape” by her parents. Kate has been craving chocolate. And Wills spends as much time with her as possible. Secrets revealed! For the record, the Royal Fetus has a Twitter account where more secrets are surely revealed. Follow @RoyalFetus and tell it SusieWorld sent ya! This week’s image is courtesy of that twitter feed!

 

29.)             It’s looking like Miley Cyrus’ engagement to Liam Hemsworth is OFF! He reportedly cheated on her with January Jones.

 

30.)             Wynonna Judd says she will vote for her sister Ashley if Ash decides to run for public office, even though they don’t agree on much politically.

 

31.)             Taylor Swift had her “worst week ever,” according to Us. Wonder how many boys broke up with her.

 

32.)             Okay, the best way to ruin a classic novel is to turn it into a 3-D movie. Which is what they’re doing with “The Great Gatsby.” I was looking forward to this flick, but now I think I’ll pass. Plus, the ladies are all wearing Prada instead of vintage.

 

33.)             If one of them isn’t enough crazy for you, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen end up “clicking” as bed partners in “Scary Movie 5.” Now THAT’S a scary movie!

 

So? Do you feel more informed? Do you feel like you’re practically inside Duchess Kate’s uterus? Do you want to climb into bed with Lindsay Lohan? I hope you’re feeling all this and more!!! Thanks for reading!

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2 Responses to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: you can even have secrets in utero!)”

  1. Ingybert Says:

    My guess for #4: Demi Moore. It’s not much of a stretch…


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