susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Jon Hamm’s dick is the star of this blog) March 29, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 5:09 PM
Just look at that member!

Just look at that member!

Wanna know what it’s like to be involved with a sex addict? Read on to find out about that and everything else I learned by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)                 Justin Bieber is one freaky dude. Taking a page out of the Michael Jackson handbook, he stepped out in public wearing a gas mask in London and tabloids are claiming he’s on the verge of a breakdown. I’ll keep you posted!

 

2.)                 Jon Hamm’s penis is back in the news! (It even has its own Twitter account!) Apparently, the “Mad Men” actor has a habit of going commando at work and his pee-pee has become a distraction to his co-stars. A show source said the costumers “have their hands full.” HA!

 

3.)                 Stars aren’t afraid to admit to bribing their children to get them to do things.

 

4.)                 Jay Leno (who can kiss my cute little ass) is on the way out (again) and JIMMY FALLON will be taking his place on “The Tonight Show.” This is good news for everyone under the age of 50 with a decent sense of humor.

 

5.)                 Don’t worry! L’il Wayne is on the mend!

 

6.)                 Jenna Fischer of “The Office” once worked as a telephone psychic.

 

7.)                 Elle Fanning has a crush on Ryan Gosling and once got a coloring book of the actor for Christmas.

 

8.)                 Rob Lowe got to use a jetpack and it looks so cool!

 

9.)                 Despite what I said about not calling Kim Kardashian fat in last week’s blog, I have to say she doesn’t exactly look skinny in a skin tight top and pencil skirt with her pregnant belly.

 

10.)             Bravo TV exec Andy Cohen has a rockin’ body!

 

11.)             The Kids’ Choice Awards happened and I honestly think some of the celebs who participated are people most kids haven’t even heard of.

 

12.)             Lisa Vanderpump may be starring on two series (“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” and “Dancing with the Stars”), but the REAL superstar is her teacup Pomeranian, Giggy, who is always impeccably dressed.

 

13.)             Kim K could use some style advice from pregnant Jenna Dewan (Mrs. Channing Tatum). Dewan rocks pregnancy garb and doesn’t ever look frumpy.

 

14.)             The new season of “The Bachelorette” will feature two teams of men vying for the affections of former “Bachelor” cast-off Desiree Hartsock.

 

15.)             Justin Timberlake’s hair has gone through evolution. Thank God it’s looking better these days than in his frosted tip era.

 

16.)             Willie Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” says his wife was his summer crush.

 

17.)             Miranda Lambert can’t wait to find out if her relationship with Blake Shelton is going to survive. She updates her relationship status by reading the tabloids that have most recently claimed Blake cheated on her.

 

18.)             After admitting in last week’s issue that she didn’t feel pretty enough to snag Jason Sudekis, Olivia Wilde now says they are blissfully engaged.

 

19.)             Denise Richards is a total soccer mom.

 

20.)             Us Weekly is really terrible at keeping secrets. They’re breaking the news that Hayden Panettiere is “secretly engaged” to a boxer. The pugilist variety, not the dog breed.

 

21.)             Sofia Vergara plans on using a surrogate to have a baby with her fiancé.

 

22.)             Mary-Kate Olson doesn’t want to get married. Her boyfriend is 47 (she’s 26), and he wants to pop the question, but she’s hedging.

 

23.)             Bachelor Sean Lowe and his final rose recipient Catherine Guidici have already hit a rough patch. But apparently they’re over it.

 

24.)             Snooki named J-Woww as her baby’s godmother.

 

25.)             Helena Bonham Carter will play Elizabeth Taylor to Dominic West’s Richard Burton in an upcoming film that is not being directed by Carter’s sweetie Tim Burton. I don’t see her in the role, but she’s a better choice than LiLo.

 

26.)             I didn’t even know they were dating, but Malcolm-Jamal Warner and Regina King have called it quits.

 

27.)             If you like My Chemical Romance, you will be disappointed to know that they broke up.

 

28.)             Former Teen Mom Farrah Abraham snagged herself a DUI. Keep it classy, Farrah!

 

29.)             Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie make more than just babies. Their wine earned 90 points from Wine Spectator.

 

30.)             THIS PART IS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION!! Did I get your attention? Tiger Woods likes nookie and Lindsey Vonn doesn’t seem to mind. Meanwhile, ol’ Tiger had some competition in vying for Lindsey’s affections in the form of Kim Kardashian ex Kris Humphries. Linds sure knows how to pick ‘em! Meanwhile, her dating life may affect her endorsement deals. “What female-focused company wants its spokesperson dating a former sex addict?” a “pal” said. I want to know who things Tiger is actually cured of his addiction.

 

31.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’ Adrienne Maloof broke her contract with Bravo by not attending the reunion show. She was too chicken shit to face the music when it came to her battle with Brandi Glanville over the news that Adrienne used a surrogate to have her 9-year-old twins. WHO THE HELL CARES, ADRIENNE?? Face the music, ya dumb whore! (Sorry. I am very strongly on Brandi’s side in this reality show debacle and won’t miss Adrienne next season since she’s a big fat quitter!)

 

32.)             People are a little peeved at Matt Lauer, myself included, for his role in getting the very talented Ann Curry ousted from “The Today Show.” NBC could give him the boot before his contract is up in 2015.

 

33.)             A bunch of women have undergone self makeovers and they look simply lovely. But I don’t need 10 pages of it! What a waste of space that could be better used to report celebrity bullshit!

 

34.)             Back to the “Real Housewives” franchise. Despite earlier intentions, Alexis Bellino is back as an OrangeCounty housewife. Jesus Jugs, as she was so aptly named by a castmate, has a new Bible-thumping ally this season, though, which could make things more interesting.

 

35.)             There may be another zombie on “The Walking Dead.” Apparently, someone is going to die, but no one knows who.

 

36.)             Tie-dye dresses are unattractive on just about everyone.

 

37.)             “Mad Men,” starring Jon Hamm’s penis, is returning on April 7! Set your DVRs and tune in on HD.

 

So that’s what I learned. I would like to learn more about Jon Hamm’s penis, but I doubt I’ll ever get the chance to meet it in person to ask a few questions. Happy Easter!

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