susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: trust means I can monitor your email) April 21, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 8:18 AM

mirandalambert_blakeshelton_usweekly2_vHello, enablers! Did you miss me? I spent a few weekends in Hawaii, where the Us Weeklys are a week behind. My apologies to those of you who wanted to read more about the Kardashians being America’s royal family. But I’m back now, so on to our stories!

Blake Shelton is a flirt and his lovely wife, Miranda Lambert trusts him so much, she monitors his phone and email! That and SO MUCH MORE is what I learned by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)    In a shocking turn of events, a Teen Mom has turned porn star. Sources say Farrah Abraham is trying to become more famous by going the Kim Kardashian route. She freaked out about a sex tape “accidentally” being released, but as it turns out, she was paid to make the video. Gee. I never saw this coming from a teen mom.

 

2.)    MTV has canceled a show I’ve never heard of because one of the cast members died. Sadly, it apparently takes death to rid the world of obnoxious reality shows.

 

3.)    Betty Draper goes dark! January Jones dyed her hair brown for her Mad Men role.

 

4.)    Gwyneth Paltrow, who is far too young for the stuff, has declared she will never do Botox again because it made her look like Joan Rivers.

 

5.)    Reese Witherspoon has also dyed her hair brown for a role.

 

6.)    It’s true. There will be another “Beverly Hills Cop.” And Eddie Murphy has dusted off his Detroit Lions jacket for it.

 

7.)    The MTV Movie Awards happened.

 

8.)    Halle Berry is pregnant and I had no idea! Us Weekly is doing a piss-poor job of reporting, I think!

 

9.)    George W. Bush is a grandpa. I’m scared.

 

10.) I guess the new thing is to renew your vows after 5 years of marriage. Um…give things a chance to get a little rough so you can really celebrate your success with a vow renewal. I suppose in Hollywood, though, five years is something of a miracle.

 

11.) Jessica Biel never wants to give Justin Timberlake time alone. She follows him even on the golf course.

 

12.) 38-year-old Bradley Cooper is dating a 20-year-old named Suki.

 

13.) Sorry, boys, Nate Berkus is off the market. He proposed to his boyfriend on a hike in Peru.

 

14.) Robert Pattinson threw his creepy girlfriend Kristen Stewart an all-night rager for her 23rd birthday.

 

15.) Taylor Swift is kind of a spoiled brat. When she learned that her ex, John Mayer, was scheduled to perform before her at the CMAs, she flipped. Tay-Tay eventually got her way and performed before Mayer, but ended up not winning anything and skipped all the after parties like a big baby.

 

16.) Ozzy Osbourne admitted that he has been drinking and doing drugs for the past year plus. But he and Sharon are NOT divorcing. She has years of practice putting up with his shit.

 

17.) Miranda Lambert is the new Tammy Wynette. She says divorcing Blake Shelton is not an option and monitors all his stuff to keep him in line. Apparently, some contestant on The Voice fell in love with him or something. And Blake believed that Christina Aguilera’s boobs deserved their own chair on the show.

 

18.) Amanda Bynes has completely lost her mind. And it’s awesome to watch! I follow her on Twitter just to see what craziness she’ll come up with next.

 

19.) Tori Spelling lost all her baby weight after infant #4. Us wants to tell me how she did it, but I’m not interested.

 

20.) Matt Damon and his lovely wife Luciana renewed their vows, too. In Hawaii. This one makes more sense to me, though, since the first ceremony was just a civil one. So Matty pulled out all the stops this time for his bride. *sigh*

 

21.) A lot of big names got their start on General Hospital.

 

22.) Joe Biden is a fan of Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ show “Veep.”

 

23.) Ke$ha has her own reality show.

 

24.) Denim shirts are in? Really??

 

25.) There were some really ugly outfits at Coachella.

 

26.) Break out your disco albums and get your groove on. Bell-bottom jumpsuits are BACK!

 

So that’s what I learned, which isn’t much for being on a two-week hiatus. I’m sure there’ll be more next week, so stay tuned!

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One Response to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: trust means I can monitor your email)”

  1. jackiedryden@comcast.net Says:

    You wrote some really funny news, Susie!


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