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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: don’t FUCK with Ann Curry or she’ll start watching CBS This Morning!) April 27, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 12:29 PM
Seriously. Don't fuck with Ann Curry. You'll end up looking like a bully.

Seriously. Don’t fuck with Ann Curry. You’ll end up looking like a bully.

Us Weekly is reporting about REAL news this week! And one of the things I learned is that Matt Lauer is a total douche. Check it out!

 

1.)    First it was on, then it was off, then it was back on, and now it’s off again. Poor little Miley Cyrus isn’t marrying Liam Hemsworth. Again.

 

 

2.)    Meanwhile, Real Housewife of Orange County Gretchen Rossi IS getting married. To her creepy wannabe boyfriend Slade. She asked him to marry her on his radio show.

 

3.)    “My greatest pain in life is that I’ll never be able to see myself perform live.” –Kanye West

 

 

4.)    Kid Rock says his time spent in strip clubs is a thing of the past. Now he’s taken up antiquing. True story!

 

 

5.)    Flavor Flav says he has been wearing the same clock since 1987.

 

 

6.)    The late ‘80s are back in terms of sunglasses. Get out to the store and treat yourself to colored mirrored lenses and you might get mistaken for a celeb!

 

 

7.)    Matt Lauer isn’t the only douche in this week’s issue. Justin Bieber keeps getting douchier and douchier.

 

8.)    Kris Jenner got herself a talk show. I’m scared.

 

 

9.)    Kate Hudson played a groupie in “Almost Famous” and is now claiming to be one in real life. She says she’s a Muse groupie because her fiancé is in the band.

 

 

10.) Johnny Galecki of “The Big Bang Theory” gets himself hot blondes! He once dated his co-star, Kaley Cuoco, and now he’s dating actress Kelli Garner. I’m not sure what Kelli Garner is famous for, but she’s pretty.

 

 

11.) Niel Patrick Harris, his fiancé, and twin children are moving to NYC. Hopefully, they will be getting married soon, as they’ve been together 10 years.

 

12.) Robert Downey, Jr. advises other men about cheating on their partners. If you don’t want to get caught, don’t cheat! Good advice.

 

 

13.) So there’s going to be a sequel to the Smurfs movie. And Britney Spears is recording a song for the soundtrack. All the more reason to skip this one.

 

14.) Sandra Bullock is really cool. She’s screening her upcoming film early for Boston police and FBI agents.

 

 

15.) Another Real Housewives spinoff is in the works. Nene Leakes will star in a series about her second marriage to her ex-husband Greg.

 

16.) Sunday Night Football announcer Al Michaels got himself a DUI.

 

 

17.) In between antiquing trips, Kid Rock found the time to criticize Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z for their exorbitant ticket prices. I’m with Kid on this one. If I had the desire to see the “Suit and Tie” performers, I’d have to shell out $250. If I wanted to see Kid Rock, it’d only run me $20. I’m saving money by not going to either show this summer.

 

 

18.) Glee has been renewed for two more seasons. That’s two more seasons I won’t be watching. The show has gone from cute to sucky in the space of one season.

 

19.) Prince Harry is going to lead a bunch of injured British military men and women on a trek to the South Pole.

 

 

20.) Kim Kardashian is having a lonely pregnancy. Kanye West has been MIA because he’s recording in Paris, leaving Kim to cry all alone.

 

 

 

21.) Selena Gomez may have been proud of making her ex, Justin Bieber, cry. But he’s probably stopped crying now because the stupid girl is back together with him!

 

22.) Ewwww! Jennifer Love Hewitt may be the next “X Factor” judge. Simon Cowell is scraping the bottom of the barrel these days. On the bright side, Reba McEntire and Kelly Rowland are also being considered.

 

 

23.) Bethenny Frankel left her latest divorce and custody hearing “hysterical.” Sorry, Bethy, that’s what you get for being such a bitch by trying to keep your daughter’s father from her.

 

24.) Duchess Kate is “stressing” about getting just the right stroller and car seat for the Royal Fetus.

 

 

25.) COVER STORY: Us Weekly reports that Ann Curry was bullied and tortured during her run on “Today.” The antics by Lauer and producers were borderline hazing rituals as they worked to oust the talented anchor. Some staffers used to get together to screen a montage of Curry’s on-air mistakes. Her revenge is to wake up early and watch “Good Morning, America.” And she says she’ll never speak to Matt again. Producers, who declared getting rid of Curry would be like “killing Bambi” named their plot “Operation Bambi.” What a bunch of dicks! Meanwhile, “Today” isn’t winning the ratings since hiring new blood, Samantha Guthrie. Serves them right!

 

26.) In hilarious news, Reese Witherspoon got in a little trouble with the police when her husband got arrested for DUI. She pulled the ol’ “don’t you know who I AM?” routine, which didn’t work all that well for her, since she got arrested, too.

 

 

27.) Ozzy Osbourne recently admitted he has been drinking and drugging again. Wife Sharon declared, “It’s drugs or me!” According to Us Weekly, anyway.

 

28.) Somebody I’ve never heard of modeled a bunch of jeans to show off the new denim trends. Unfortunately, the trends are pretty much all skinny jeans. And not everyone should wear skinny jeans. Skinny jeans lead to muffin tops.

 

 

29.) Mark Wahlberg got a fake tan for an upcoming role. He also ate a ton to gain weight. I want to be an actress who has to gain weight for a role!

 

30.) Ladies, get to the mall and buy yourself a bright yellow mini-dress! All the stars are wearing them!

 

 

31.) You (yes, YOU) can look younger with the use of very expensive products.

 

32.) Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks got herself a Bieber haircut! She admits she looks like a douche now. Okay, not exactly her words, but still.

 

 

33.) Macklemore was pictured in the Fashion Police feature wearing a fringed suit. The fashion police didn’t like his look, but what can you expect from a guy who goes to the thrift shop with only $20 in his pocket?

 

34.) Tie dye is not a good look for everyone. Including celebs!

 

 

So that’s what I learned. There wasn’t as much “funny” in this issue, but things will surely improve as Kim K gets more and more preggers.

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2 Responses to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: don’t FUCK with Ann Curry or she’ll start watching CBS This Morning!)”

  1. Carmensandiego Says:

    Great article, yet again. As for my colorful commentary–Flavor Flav..ya his clock is still from 1987–so are his clothes. I’ll be watching GMA along with Ann Curry. I love Bambi. Kardashian–let’s take a bet as on when US Weekly WON’T have them in the mag–I say the year 2055, when I’m dead and buried, then I don’t have to listen about them anymore. And NeNe–c’mon…You are Greg remarrying and we are subjected to watch it? Hmmm…the New Normal?? Miley Cyrus–do us a favor–go get another tattoo–shave your head, attack the papparzi with an umbrella outside your car, go to rehab and star on next season’s X FACTOR…Ya’ll know it’s coming!!!

  2. Geri Mariano Says:

    Supposedly the dicks in the control room also put up a picture of Ann Curry in a yellow dress next to Big Bird.

    And now Kathie Lee and Meredith Vieria are sticking up for poor Matt Lauer. Where were they when Miss Curry was being bullied? I’d like nothing more than for Today and Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie to keep going down, down, down

    25.) COVER STORY: Us Weekly reports that Ann Curry was bullied and tortured during her run on “Today.” The antics by Lauer and producers were borderline hazing rituals as they worked to oust the talented anchor. Some staffers used to get together to screen a montage of Curry’s on-air mistakes. Her revenge is to wake up early and watch “Good Morning, America.” And she says she’ll never speak to Matt again. Producers, who declared getting rid of Curry would be like “killing Bambi” named their plot “Operation Bambi.” What a bunch of dicks! Meanwhile, “Today” isn’t winning the ratings since hiring new blood, Samantha Guthrie. Serves them right!

    30.) Ladies, get to the mall and buy yourself a bright yellow mini-dress! All the stars are wearing them!


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