If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I wonder if the Royal Fetus is wearing a silly hat) May 3, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 2:05 PM
Isn't she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

Isn’t she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

Us Weekly seems to think it has a direct line to Buckingham Palace. Or wherever Duchess Kate is living now. Because how else would they know how she’s prepping for the Royal Fetus? Unless, of course, Kate calls them collect to report on her every move. That’s probably it! So here’s what I learned this week.


  • Gwyneth Paltrow had another “dress disaster,” much like her braless blunder at the 2002 Oscars. This time, at the Iron Man 3 premiere, she decided to go sans panties. This was actually required by the dress, which was sheer from the waist on both sides. Some say Gwynnie “owned” it, but others called the gown “vulgar.”  Sources say Gwyneth loved the gown, but she’s sputtering excuses to appeal to the masses of hate headed her way.


  • “Modern Family” dimwit Nolan Gould (Luke) is actually a member of Mensa. He’s 13 and is enrolled in college.


  • Ryan Lochte has me convinced that the Kardashians could also be members of Mensa. “My philosophy: You gotta be a man at night, you gotta be a man in the morning.”


  • “American Idol” would solve all its judging woes if it would just give up and go off the air. Instead, new judges Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are being hated on. They’re on the lookout for the next Simon Cowell.


  • Girls: DON’T do what Jessica Alba did to regain her figure after having a second child. Jess thought it would be a good idea to wear two corsets continuously for three months. Experts say this is plain stupid, as the organs get moved around. Way to be a role model, Alba!


  • I need to find my faded denim Guess jacket from 1987, because this look is BACK!


  • Barack Obama to his daughters on body art: “If you guys ever decide you’re going to get a tattoo, then Mommy and I will get the exact same tattoo in the same place, and we’ll go on YouTube and show it off as a family tattoo.”


  • It appears they’ll let just about anyone into the White House Correspondent’s Dinner.


  • Back to tattoos, celebs don’t seem to think them through. Justin Bieber has an image of his on-again, off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez. Getting a tattoo of your SI’s face is definitely a no-no and a surefire way to end up apart. On the other hand, Ryan Cabrera, whose claim to fame escapes me, has a big image of Ryan Gosling tattooed on his calf. That’s kinda funny. Stupid, but funny. Also going the stupid route is Rob Kardashian, who has the image of his annoying mother Kris Jenner on his forearm.


  • What on earth will Us Weekly do when Duchess Kate and Kim K have their babies?? Why, they’ll speculate on who is next! In this week’s issue, it’s Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. In case you were wondering, one of the many reasons behind their multiple breakups was that JT didn’t want to have kids. But now, according to Us, he indicates that he’s changed his tune simply by being affectionate with the missus.


  • The good news: Jesse Tyler Ferguson of “Modern Family” is getting married to his sweetie! The bad news: He has to travel all the way to NYC to do it.


  • Kate Hudson says her son Bingham is going to be a drummer.


  • Jennifer Aniston may NEVER walk down the aisle! Okay, I’m being a tad dramatic. According to Us Weekly, Jen put her nuptials on hold so they wouldn’t interfere with ex Brad Pitt’s wedding to Angelina Jolie. Jen and fiancé Justin Theroux were set to wed this summer, but since Brad and Angie are also set to wed this summer, Jen wants nothing to do with the entire season. To that end, she basically quit planning the ceremony.


  • Reese “Do You Know Who I Am” Witherspoon is worried about how her recent tirade with police will affect her career. She’s hired people to help her spin the story. Reese is concerned that her good girl image has been completely tossed out the window.


  • One Direction’s Harry Styles, 19, smooched Kim Stewart, 33, in front of her dad, Rod Stewart. Kim is most famous for having Benicio del Toro’s baby nearly two years ago.


  • In odd couple news, Melissa Gilbert married Timothy Busfield.


  • “Two and a Half Men” is holding onto TV for dear life. First Charlie Sheen was (justifiably) killed off and now Angus T. Jones, who plays the half-man, is no longer going to be a series regular. “Two Men” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Maybe Angus’ departure has something to do with his hate-filled rant of a few months back in which the born-again Christian railed that the show was garbage. Or something like that.


  • The countdown is ON! The Royal Fetus is due to make her appearance in just two months and Us Weekly has all the deets! Basically, Will and Kate are doing all the things that normal expectant parents do. They’re just doing them in a royal way. Oh, and Kate plans to breast feed, in case you were wondering.


  • Meanwhile, Prince Harry plans to visit hurricane ravaged New Jersey, but won’t be visiting the Jersey Shore. He feels he has “grown up” since his strip poker days in Vegas.


  • Sometimes it sucks to be Greek. At least when the Kardashians – in their entirety – invaded the beautiful country in late April.


  • Teen Moms in trouble! First Farrah Abraham releases an accidental sex tape on purpose. Or was the sex tape on purpose and the release accidental. Oh right. She was paid to do it and she wanted the so-called “exposure” it would bring. Anyway, now she’s battling with another teen mom, Jenelle Evans, who was recently arrested for DUI. These stupid, stupid girls want to stay in the limelight without a thought to the little reasons they got into the limelight in the first place.


This week wasn’t as educational as most. But now you’ve learned just as little as I did! And that makes me pleased as punch! Now go enjoy your weekend, you beautiful human you!


2 Responses to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I wonder if the Royal Fetus is wearing a silly hat)”

  1. Pat Wright McVey (W.E.) Says:

    So glad I signed up for your news!! Enjoyable reading your take!! Thank oh!

  2. Says:

    Interesting stuff I never knew, Susie.

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