susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: does this issue make my butt look fat?) May 12, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 8:38 AM
I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat! Wait. That's not it.

I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat! Wait. That’s not it.

Kim Kardashian dared to go bare and wound up on the cover of Us Weekly in a teeny bikini in all her pregnant glory. Us Weekly asks, “You call this fat?” Well, no. I don’t. But when Kim dresses like a worn out sofa from the early ‘80s, she’s not doing herself any favors. That’s another story though. Here’s what I learned this week.

1.)    Denise Richards has taken over parenting Charlie Sheen’s kids. And I don’t mean the ones she shares with him. The courts have taken Charlie’s twin sons away from their mother, Brooke Mueller because Brooke is a druggie train wreck. Apparently, both Brooke and Charlie approve of letting someone else parent their children.

 

2.)    Reese Witherspoon told “a crazy lie” when she and her hubby, Jim Toth, got arrested a few weeks ago. She said she was pregnant and had to pee. Good one, Reese! Meanwhile, in an attempt to kiss ass, she was photographed wearing a City of Atlanta Police baseball hat. “We did not send her that hat,” the department spokesman said.

 

3.)    Demi Lovato went to rehab and came out to find no one liked her anymore. “I had four texts,” she said. “That was a wake-up call.”

 

4.)    Julia Louis-Dreyfus admitted that her therapist fell asleep during one of their sessions.

 

5.)    Winona Ryder and I share a passion for her film “Heathers.” Winona admits that she watches it and recites the lines. “(It’s) like my own ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show.’”

 

6.)    Martha Stewart attempted to set up a Match.com profile.

 

7.)    Ian Ziering, who you may vaguely remember from “Beverly Hills, 90210,” is joining Chippendales.

 

8.)    Madonna is still looking gross.

 

9.)    In Kim K story #1, she wore an awful Givenchy “gown” to the NYC Met Ball. It did nothing for her “not fat” figure and truly resembled an old couch.

 

10.) Anne Hathaway doesn’t do it for me as a blonde.

 

11.) J. Lo started a really annoying nickname trend. Us Weekly has now named Jennifer Lawrence J. Law.

 

12.) Another couple decided to renew their vows after a whopping five years of marriage, but it should come as no surprise that it was Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. Mariah likes to celebrate herself.

 

13.) Lauryn Hill is going to do three months in the slammer for not paying taxes. Don’t mess with the IRS!

 

14.) In happy news, Rihanna and Chris Brown have broken up yet again. “I can’t really be focused on wife-ing somebody that young,” Chris said. He has already hooked up with another ex.

 

15.) Lindsay Lohan checked into Betty Ford and they’re not letting her out! She claims she’s “never been a huge drinker.” HA!

 

16.) The wedding of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth is totally off again and his family is “over her.” They want this latest breakup to be permanent.

 

17.) If you want to see Zoe Saldana naked, buy this month’s issue of Allure.

 

18.) COVER STORY: Kim Kardashian wore a series of little bikinis while on a family trip to Greece. One thing she may have forgotten about pregnancy – your boobs get even bigger! Her bra tops appeared to be struggling.

 

19.) If you’re still single and wishing otherwise, prepare to be depressed. Honey Boo Boo’s mom has a man. “Mama June” had herself a true redneck wedding, as she walked down the aisle in a camouflage gown. Nothing could camouflage this woman, though, believe me!

 

20.) Bikini’s for every body type! Though some body types shouldn’t fit into bikinis.

 

21.) “The Great Gatsby” is making its debut soon and I still can’t fathom why there was a need to release it in 3-D.

 

So that’s the scoop, peeps! Get on with your fun-filled weekend!

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