It’s the most depressing issue of the year! “Best Bodies 2013” boasts “42 pages of hot photos,” all of which I will quickly skip over in my pursuit of real news. Here’s what I learned by reading Us Weekly.
1.) Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham calls herself a role model. This after she was photographed buying a pregnancy test and recently filmed “Farrah Superstar: Back Door Teen Mom.”
2.) Chris Pine may be hot, but he’s also an admitted cry baby. “I cry all the time – at work, at the shrink’s, with my lady. ‘The Notebook’ killed me. ‘Up’ destroyed me.”
3.) HAHAHAHAHAHA! Us Weekly proclaims that Duchess Kate is copying Suri Cruise’s style!
4.) NHL star Mike Comrie is going to be a groupie on his wife Carrie Underwood’s summer tour.
5.) Beyonce is noncommittal when it comes to rumors that she’s pregnant.
6.) The wedding of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth is back on, despite his family’s objections.
7.) Duchess Kate is taking Italian cooking lessons from a Kensington Palace housekeeper.
8.) Kim Kardashian’s family sent out music boxes as baby shower invitations complete with ballerinas and music – “Hey Mama” by Kanye West. Gross.
9.) Gwyneth Paltrow is kissing Anna Wintour’s skinny ass. After telling USA Today that Wintour’s Met Ball was “un-fun,” she made an about-face and called the event “the year’s most elaborate display of incredible fashion.” How’s that brown nosing going for you, Gwynnie?
10.) Paulina Rubio (who?) and Kelly Rowland are the latest pair to grace the infamous red chairs on “X Factor.” It’s a little confusing because Christina Aguilera and Cee Lo Green are coming back first, then Rubio and Rowland join the team.
11.) R Patz and K Stew are splitsville. For those who don’t speak Us, that means Robert Pattinson dumped Kristen Stewart. Again. The next battle is determining who gets custody of the dogs.
12.) “Everyone” thinks Lindsay Vonn is good for Tiger. She spent quality time with his kids on a recent family outing.
13.) There are a lot of Hollywood hot bodies out there. Lucky for me, there were as many men featured as women, so thanks for the eye candy, Us Weekly! Oh, and thanks also for driving me into despair.
So there you go. I didn’t learn much this week because the issue was full of more pictures than ever before and very little “news” to accompany it. I will surely do better next week.