Yes, ladies and gentlemen, America’s royal reality child has been birthed and the stupid couple named her North. Yes. North West. Us Weekly delves into “Kim’s dramatic delivery,” so read on! Here’s what else I learned by reading Us Weekly.
1.) Rex Reed is an asshole. He unapologetically called funnywoman Melissa McCarthy “tractor-sized” and “a female hippo.” Meanwhile, McCarthy responded with maturity, saying she feels bad for someone with so much negativity in his life. My response is much less polite. Fuck you, Rex Reed!
2.) Teen Mom turned porn star Farrah Abraham is clearly not trying to better herself. Us Weekly reports she has been exchanging texts with Charlie Sheen. Yeah, that’ll improve your reputation, you dumb ho!
3.) Pippa Middleton, who is more famous for her ass than for being Duchess Kate’s sister, got a little ass-grabby with her boyfriend. Sorry, boys. It appears her bum is spoken for.
4.) Jennifer Aniston has gone into farming. She’s raising chickens and apparently feeds them pasta.
5.) Justin Bieber just gets more and more annoying. He is now speeding around L.A. in a leopard-print Audi.
6.) Sofia Vergara admits that having curves has helped her get jobs. “I would be ungrateful to say it’s all because of my brains and my talent.”
7.) Reese Witherspoon suffered a wind attack in a mini-skirt, exposing her cute little tushy for all to photograph. And she’s not the only one getting accidentally naked. Miranda Kerr and Kate Upton also had nip slips this week, while a panty-free Eva Longoria flashed her vajayjay at Cannes.
8.) According to Us, some Real Housewives are stealing Rihanna’s hairstyles, though I’m suspect. I think Ri-Ri is trying to look like a housewife with some of her ‘dos.
9.) Halle Berry, who once proclaimed she would never marry again, may be living up to that promise. She has postponed her nups to Olivier Martinez because she doesn’t want to walk down the aisle while preggers.
10.) Sharon Osbourne thinks she’s the “luckiest woman” because her husband is sober.
11.) Maybe his new baby won’t be called a thoughtless little pig. According to his wife, Alec Baldwin is very attentive to her pregnancy, often reading parts of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”
12.) It’s a breakup for another Cyrus. Just weeks after Miley split (again) with her fiancé Liam Hemsworth, her mama, Tish, filed for divorce from Billy Ray. Rumor has it, Miley is pretty POed. at her pops, too.
13.) Most people called it brave, but Melissa Etheridge says Angelina Jolie’s choice to have a double mastectomy to prevent cancer was a “fearful choice.” Etheridge is a breast cancer survivor, so there’s that.
14.) Queen Elizabeth named Adele a Member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, a title that sounds eerily like it came from a Bill & Ted movie.
15.) Nigela Lawson was photographed being choked by her husband at a London restaurant. For his part, Mr. Nigela said “there was no grip,” but the photograph shows otherwise. Hopefully, “The Taste” judge will file charges, ‘cause there’s no way in hell this is okay.
16.) Okay, 90s kids. The spinoff of “Boy Meets World” has come to fruition. “Girl Meets World” will follow the two main characters as they parent a tween daughter and is due to begin airing next year.
17.) Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s three kids like to read. Hope they don’t end up reading the shallow “Sex and the City” books.
18.) A “Today” show reunion could be happening! Us Weekly broke the news that Matt Lauer and Katie Couric have been secretly meeting to discuss a possible reunion. Hopefully he treats her better than he treated Ann Curry.
19.) Selena Gomez likes gingers, if the latest gossip is to be believed. She dumped Justin Bieber (thankfully) for British singer Ed Sheeran. And Taylor Swift is credited as being the matchmaker! If only she could successfully find a match for herself, but then there would be no more music from Ms. Swift.
20.) Jimmy Kimmel is on a diet for his upcoming nuptials. “He cut back on his beloved pizza, pasta, and barbecue.” Good on you, Jimmy.
21.) COVER STORY: Yes, America, the day you’ve been reading about for nearly 9 months finally arrived on June 14 when Kim Kardashian finally pushed her daughter through the aptly-named Northwest Passage. For his part, Kanye was actually at the hospital after being in Paris recording an album (groan) for most of the pregnancy. And according to hospital staff, Kim was not a diva in the delivery room, which is a relief. In what will likely be an extraordinarily bad decision, they will go live with her mom while their own mansion is being renovated, but that won’t happen until the baby gets up over five pounds. So now that this story has finally come to an end, you can expect the next month to be all about the Royal Fetus, a little girl that actually kind of matters.
22.) Meanwhile, Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan have taken the time to release photos of their newborn to Us Weekly. It’s still TBD who will pay the highest price to Kimye to do the same. Everly Tatum is very cute.
23.) A couple of Real Housewives got hitched recently. Tamra Barney of the OC and Miami housewife and supermodel Joanna Krupa both wore questionable gowns to their respective ceremonies.
24.) An NYC photographer instructed Us Weekly readers on how to take a selfie. Among the suggestions: NO DUCK FACE!
25.) “Man of Steel” star Henry Cavill said the worst part of playing Superman was that the costume lacked a zipper, making it a little difficult to pee. “I drank only one bottle of water every half-day. It was brutal.”
26.) So onesies for adults are hip in celeb land. I don’t recommend emulating these people.
So that’s the end! I hope you feel better educated! Or worse educated. Whatevs.