HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, AMERICA! (And happy belated Canada Day, eh?) In between drinking beer and shooting firecrackers out of your butts, I hope you’ll take the time to read about what I learned in Us Weekly! Now that Kimye’s spawn has entered the world, it’s time for Us to bore me to death with stories on “The Bachelorette.” Wanna know what else I learned?
1.) As you have likely heard by now, Paula Deen is in a heap of trouble for admitting she used the N word in her past. Here’s a surprise, though. Jesse Jackson defended her and I agree with him. “[She] may be a symbol of intolerance, but she is not a sacrificial lamb.”
2.) After being snapped by paparazzi being choked by her husband in public, Nigella Lawson is moving out of the couple’s home. Meanwhile, her soon-to-be-ex received a mere warning from police for assault.
3.) Things are getting switched up on “The View.” Elisabeth Hasselbeck is out as the lone Republican and Jenny McCarthy and Brooke Shields are being bandied about as potential replacements for Lizzie and the retiring Joy Behar.
4.) Us Weekly names four reality stars (Vicki Gunvalson, Nene Leakes, Khloe Kardashian, and Heidi Montag) who have “glammed up their looks.” Shockingly, the Kardashian is the only one who didn’t resort to going under the knife to do so.
5.) Channing Tatum is definitely going to be a hands-on dad. “I’ve never been so excited for something to poo.”
6.) Among the 25 people Kanye West compares himself to are Andy Warhol, Axl Rose, The Beatles, Kate Moss, Jesus, Miles Davis, and The Soup Nazi. Clearly, he hasn’t seen what Axl Rose has turned himself into.
7.) Jessica Biel keeps shock collars on her dogs. Umm…maybe try taking them to training classes, you abusive creature!
8.) Halle Berry *gasp!* PUMPS HER OWN GAS! And in her pregnant condition and everything!
9.) Adele and her son Angelo visited NYC recently, where she took him to the zoo and got herself a tattoo on her hand that reads “Paradise.” Said tattoo only took 15 minutes, according to the artist. Wish mine only took 15 minutes. OWIE!
10.) Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are on again. This will change by next week, judging by their history.
11.) Prop 8 was overturned! And this made Ellen DeGeneres very happy. The talk show host, who has been married to Portia de Rossi for several years, sent a brief to the Supreme Court: “I don’t think we hurt anyone else’s marriage. I asked all of my neighbors and they say they’re fine.”
12.) While they’ve technically been engaged for a few years, Kristen Bell proposed to fiancé Dax Shepard via Twitter once Prop 8 was rescinded. They have been waiting to wed until all people are allowed to do the same.
13.) In other gay news, Neil Patrick Harris says he looks forward to moving his ring from his right hand to his left. But there has been no marriage proposal that I know of. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time for the dad of twins, who is planning a move to NYC in the near future.
14.) Well, the gay news keeps coming! Melissa Etheridge and her partner, “Nurse Jackie” co-creator Linda Wallem announced their engagement on June 26.
15.) And maybe Brad and Angelina will finally take their vows after putting it off until gay marriage was made legal.
16.) Hey ladies with no taste in music! DJ Deadmau5 is back on the market. He and Kat Von D. broke off their engagement.
17.) Cameron Diaz has been cast as Miss Hannigan in the Jay-Z and Will Smith-produced film remake of “Annie.”
18.) Former Real Housewife of Atlanta, Kim Zociak, has gained a whole new group of haters when she was snapped in a bikini smoking a cigarette with a visible baby bump.
19.) Tom Cruise may be batshit crazy, but he’s apparently really good in bed. Cher named him as one of her top five former lovers.
20.) Chris Brown, best known for beating the crap out of Rihanna, was charged with two misdemeanors in connection with a May 21 hit-and-run. His last “hit-and-run” should have been a felony resulting in a little jail time.
21.) Producers of “The Bachelorette” sure know how to pick their contestants. According to this week’s cover, Desiree Harsock has been given a choice between a fame whore, a liar, and a player. When will these women realize the dudes are only on the show to become famous for being assholes??
22.) WHO WILL GET THE FIRST PICS OF KIMYE’S BABY??? Probably not Us Weekly, as it is far too classy a magazine to pay out the millions it will likely cost. (I kid.) Us reports that the couple may not release photos at all, which I find very hard to believe. Kim was recently heard saying she wants more money, and what better way to get it than to whore out images of your oddly-named daughter?
23.) In pretty people news, “Man of Steel” star Henry Cavill is now dating “Big Bang Theory’s” Kaley Cuoco. It’s a dream come true for Superman, as he admits he’s had a crush on her for a while now.
24.) In Royal Fetus news, we still don’t know if Wills and Kate are having a boy or a girl. There have been practice runs to the hospital, which likely has the Brits freaking out, and the couple may take their time in choosing a name. I hope it’s something that goes well with Mountbatten-Windsor.
25.) Johnny Depp is showing signs of growing up. His breakup with longtime girlfriend Vanessa Paradis has something to do with it. He is no longer trashing hotel rooms and focusing on his kids instead. He admits he’s “kind of socially inept.” I’m a social being and I’d be happy to volunteer in helping him come out of his shell a little. Too bad he’s now dating Amber Heard. She’s a little prettier than I am.
26.) Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock are the female versions of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.
27.) It is now apparently fashionable to match your top and pants EXACTLY. I do not recommend this look. Rompers are apparently hip, too, but I prefer to call them onesies and they look ridiculous.
And with that I bid you all adieu. May your Independence Day be filled with BBQ and booze. Stay safe out there, kids! Until next time…