susieworld

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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Drugs are bad!) July 21, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 7:12 PM

cory  Don’t do drugs, kids. That is the lesson from this week’s Us Weekly. Here’s what else I learned:

 

1.)    Leah Remini quit Scientology. I didn’t think Scientologists were allowed to quit, but she apparently started questioning some stuff and that sort of thing is frowned upon. So they let her go without incident. The Church had no comment. Go figure.

 

2.)    If you’re a fan of Paula Deen, tune into Big Brother where you can catch white contestants harping on gays, blacks, and Asians. In her defense, one cast member compared her racial slurs to dumb blonde jokes. Yep. Pretty blondes are always discriminated against!

 

3.)    Justin Bieber keeps getting douchier. He had to make an apologetic phone call to former President Clinton after a video of The Biebs shouting “Fuck Bill Clinton” went viral. Good ol’ Bill was all good though. “If that’s the worst thing you’ve done, all is well,” he said. Sadly, the worst thing Justin Bieber has done is come to the States to make “music.”

 

4.)    QUOTE OF THE ISSUE (Olivia Munn on an ex-boyfriend): “I can’t imagine why he was cheating. I was really good at faking it!”

 

5.)    Kevin Bacon has been reduced to bribing wedding DJs to have them NOT play Kenny Loggins’ “Footloose.”

 

6.)    Celeb “criminals” (those who have had to appear in court) are judged by Us Weekly, which declared itself judge, jury, and executioner. The stars were found guilty or not guilty based on their outfits. Keep it classy, Us!

 

7.)    Hillary Duff shops at Target.

 

8.)    So Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson have been dating for a while. When Josh met Diane’s mom for the first time, he learned she’d performed a background check on him and had a file on him that included his 2003 mugshot for assault.

 

9.)    Crap. The world can soon expect another Jonas. Kevin Jonas and his lesser-known mate are expecting.

 

10.) Jenny McCarthy is the latest celeb to join The View and is now dating Donnie Wahlberg.

 

11.) Over practically before it began! “Man of Steel” Henry Cavill and “Big Bang Theory” star Kaley Cuoco have already broken up after dating for TWO WEEKS! This exceptionally long-term relationship’s end warranted its very own blurb!

 

12.) Oprah loves Lindsay. Ope has offered L. Lo a gig filming a reality show about life after rehab.

 

13.) Patience, patience! Kim Kardashian is dropping the post-baby pounds and is expected to appear in public again soon.

 

14.) Channing Tatum ordered a Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt at Subway!!!!!!! STOP THE PRESSES!

 

15.) If you ever get a chance to film a movie, make sure Natalie Portman is in it. She had a massage therapist regularly appear on set to take care of the cast and crew.

 

16.) COVER STORY: Heroin and booze just don’t mix. They killed “Glee” star Cory Monteith. I have nothing more to say on this story because it’s simply not funny.

 

17.) The Gorga family dynamics on the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” are downright scary! Teresa’s husband and brother (both named Joe) got into a violent wrestling match that aired last weekend. The brawl occurred during a family retreat that was designed to help them overcome their differences.

 

18.) Funnyman Jimmy Kimmel is officially off the market. He wed one of his show’s head writers on July 13. Halle Berry also said “oui” to Olivier Martinez. They got married in France on the same day.

 

19.) Kelly Osbourne is also no longer available. She got engaged to her long-time boyfriend. So if you’re looking for a rude smartass in your life, look elsewhere.

 

20.) Us Weekly takes readers inside the “private world” of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. This means their world is no longer private and therefore no longer interesting.

 

21.) Mary Louise Parker says Bruce Willis is a good kisser.

 

22.) Yes, ladies. Ripped jeans are back in style. Pay more for less material!

 

So there is your weekly celeb gossip from me to you! Enjoy the workweek, peeps!

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One Response to “What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Drugs are bad!)”

  1. Johnny Says:

    winner, winner, chicken dinner!


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