1.) Sorry, ladies. Maroon 5’s Adam Levine is off the market. He got engaged to some model and will live happily ever after. At least until they get divorced.
2.) Evan Rachel Wood is bummed because she’s preggers and can’t smoke weed.
3.) Kanye West’s new venture is designing jeans. And you can get yourself a pair for a mere $265.
4.) Helen Mirren admits her secret to staying sexy is stripper heels.
5.) Jason Sudeikis says sex with Olivia Wilde has helped him lose weight. Sounds like an excellent exercise plan to me!
6.) Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are indeed getting married. “They just haven’t finalized plans yet.” The pair got engaged a year ago.
7.) George Clooney got rejected by Eva Longoria because he reportedly wanted permission to cheat.
8.) R Patz (Robert Pattinson, for those who don’t keep up with Hollywood slang) is getting hot and heavy with Elvis’ granddaughter Riley Keough.
9.) Garrett Hedlund will NOT be playing the lead role in the “50 Shades of Grey” movie. Ian Somerhalder is also no longer a contender.
10.) Thanks to the Supreme Court, Jesse Tyler Ferguson got married!
11.) Real Housewife of Atlanta’s Phaedra Parks has unofficially named her newborn son Dylan, but “were waiting to have a traditional African naming ceremony.”
12.) Cameron Diaz can add shoe and handbag designer to her resume. She has been hired on by Paris-based “Pour Le Victoire.”
13.) Spock portrayer Zachary Quinto has broken up with his boyfriend of one year, Jonathan Groff of “Glee” fame.
14.) ‘80s actress Rae Dawn Chong (Tommy Chong’s daughter) insulted Queen Oprah with a racial slur and called the talk show host “vile” while appearing as a radio show guest.
15.) The “Friends” are getting older! Lisa Kudrow turns 50 today!
16.) COVER STORY: Poor Bachelorette Desiree. She narrowed her choices down to three dudes and one of them bolted. Can’t say as I blame him.
17.) IT’S A BOY! Yes, if you have been living under a rock for the past week, the royal fetus has arrived and his name is George. Does this mean we can stop talking about the Kimye baby now? Us Weekly points out the important fact that George barely made the cut to becoming a Cancer. He had minutes to spare before being a Leo.
18.) In unfunny news, Us tells the story of how Lea Michelle is coping after the death of her boyfriend, Cory Monteith. She’s finding “solace with his family.” Meanwhile, Glee has been put on a temporary hiatus as the show creators figure out how to explain a main character’s sudden absence. The hiatus won’t start until after two Beatles-themed episodes. Then there will be a Cory tribute.
19.) Bruce Willis’ favorite job is being a father. My favorite job of his was “Die Hard.”
20.) Honey Boo Boo’s mom, Mama June, is quite the disciplinarian for being a complete redneck.
21.) Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there will indeed be a “Sharknado 2.” It has been greenlit for 2014.
So that’s about it. Hope you enjoyed! See you next week!