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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: I wonder if the Royal Fetus is wearing a silly hat) May 3, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 2:05 PM
Isn't she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

Isn’t she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

Us Weekly seems to think it has a direct line to Buckingham Palace. Or wherever Duchess Kate is living now. Because how else would they know how she’s prepping for the Royal Fetus? Unless, of course, Kate calls them collect to report on her every move. That’s probably it! So here’s what I learned this week.

 

  • Gwyneth Paltrow had another “dress disaster,” much like her braless blunder at the 2002 Oscars. This time, at the Iron Man 3 premiere, she decided to go sans panties. This was actually required by the dress, which was sheer from the waist on both sides. Some say Gwynnie “owned” it, but others called the gown “vulgar.”  Sources say Gwyneth loved the gown, but she’s sputtering excuses to appeal to the masses of hate headed her way.

 

  • “Modern Family” dimwit Nolan Gould (Luke) is actually a member of Mensa. He’s 13 and is enrolled in college.

 

  • Ryan Lochte has me convinced that the Kardashians could also be members of Mensa. “My philosophy: You gotta be a man at night, you gotta be a man in the morning.”

 

  • “American Idol” would solve all its judging woes if it would just give up and go off the air. Instead, new judges Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are being hated on. They’re on the lookout for the next Simon Cowell.

 

  • Girls: DON’T do what Jessica Alba did to regain her figure after having a second child. Jess thought it would be a good idea to wear two corsets continuously for three months. Experts say this is plain stupid, as the organs get moved around. Way to be a role model, Alba!

 

  • I need to find my faded denim Guess jacket from 1987, because this look is BACK!

 

  • Barack Obama to his daughters on body art: “If you guys ever decide you’re going to get a tattoo, then Mommy and I will get the exact same tattoo in the same place, and we’ll go on YouTube and show it off as a family tattoo.”

 

  • It appears they’ll let just about anyone into the White House Correspondent’s Dinner.

 

  • Back to tattoos, celebs don’t seem to think them through. Justin Bieber has an image of his on-again, off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez. Getting a tattoo of your SI’s face is definitely a no-no and a surefire way to end up apart. On the other hand, Ryan Cabrera, whose claim to fame escapes me, has a big image of Ryan Gosling tattooed on his calf. That’s kinda funny. Stupid, but funny. Also going the stupid route is Rob Kardashian, who has the image of his annoying mother Kris Jenner on his forearm.

 

  • What on earth will Us Weekly do when Duchess Kate and Kim K have their babies?? Why, they’ll speculate on who is next! In this week’s issue, it’s Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. In case you were wondering, one of the many reasons behind their multiple breakups was that JT didn’t want to have kids. But now, according to Us, he indicates that he’s changed his tune simply by being affectionate with the missus.

 

  • The good news: Jesse Tyler Ferguson of “Modern Family” is getting married to his sweetie! The bad news: He has to travel all the way to NYC to do it.

 

  • Kate Hudson says her son Bingham is going to be a drummer.

 

  • Jennifer Aniston may NEVER walk down the aisle! Okay, I’m being a tad dramatic. According to Us Weekly, Jen put her nuptials on hold so they wouldn’t interfere with ex Brad Pitt’s wedding to Angelina Jolie. Jen and fiancé Justin Theroux were set to wed this summer, but since Brad and Angie are also set to wed this summer, Jen wants nothing to do with the entire season. To that end, she basically quit planning the ceremony.

 

  • Reese “Do You Know Who I Am” Witherspoon is worried about how her recent tirade with police will affect her career. She’s hired people to help her spin the story. Reese is concerned that her good girl image has been completely tossed out the window.

 

  • One Direction’s Harry Styles, 19, smooched Kim Stewart, 33, in front of her dad, Rod Stewart. Kim is most famous for having Benicio del Toro’s baby nearly two years ago.

 

  • In odd couple news, Melissa Gilbert married Timothy Busfield.

 

  • “Two and a Half Men” is holding onto TV for dear life. First Charlie Sheen was (justifiably) killed off and now Angus T. Jones, who plays the half-man, is no longer going to be a series regular. “Two Men” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Maybe Angus’ departure has something to do with his hate-filled rant of a few months back in which the born-again Christian railed that the show was garbage. Or something like that.

 

  • The countdown is ON! The Royal Fetus is due to make her appearance in just two months and Us Weekly has all the deets! Basically, Will and Kate are doing all the things that normal expectant parents do. They’re just doing them in a royal way. Oh, and Kate plans to breast feed, in case you were wondering.

 

  • Meanwhile, Prince Harry plans to visit hurricane ravaged New Jersey, but won’t be visiting the Jersey Shore. He feels he has “grown up” since his strip poker days in Vegas.

 

  • Sometimes it sucks to be Greek. At least when the Kardashians – in their entirety – invaded the beautiful country in late April.

 

  • Teen Moms in trouble! First Farrah Abraham releases an accidental sex tape on purpose. Or was the sex tape on purpose and the release accidental. Oh right. She was paid to do it and she wanted the so-called “exposure” it would bring. Anyway, now she’s battling with another teen mom, Jenelle Evans, who was recently arrested for DUI. These stupid, stupid girls want to stay in the limelight without a thought to the little reasons they got into the limelight in the first place.

 

This week wasn’t as educational as most. But now you’ve learned just as little as I did! And that makes me pleased as punch! Now go enjoy your weekend, you beautiful human you!

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What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: don’t FUCK with Ann Curry or she’ll start watching CBS This Morning!) April 27, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 12:29 PM
Seriously. Don't fuck with Ann Curry. You'll end up looking like a bully.

Seriously. Don’t fuck with Ann Curry. You’ll end up looking like a bully.

Us Weekly is reporting about REAL news this week! And one of the things I learned is that Matt Lauer is a total douche. Check it out!

 

1.)    First it was on, then it was off, then it was back on, and now it’s off again. Poor little Miley Cyrus isn’t marrying Liam Hemsworth. Again.

 

 

2.)    Meanwhile, Real Housewife of Orange County Gretchen Rossi IS getting married. To her creepy wannabe boyfriend Slade. She asked him to marry her on his radio show.

 

3.)    “My greatest pain in life is that I’ll never be able to see myself perform live.” –Kanye West

 

 

4.)    Kid Rock says his time spent in strip clubs is a thing of the past. Now he’s taken up antiquing. True story!

 

 

5.)    Flavor Flav says he has been wearing the same clock since 1987.

 

 

6.)    The late ‘80s are back in terms of sunglasses. Get out to the store and treat yourself to colored mirrored lenses and you might get mistaken for a celeb!

 

 

7.)    Matt Lauer isn’t the only douche in this week’s issue. Justin Bieber keeps getting douchier and douchier.

 

8.)    Kris Jenner got herself a talk show. I’m scared.

 

 

9.)    Kate Hudson played a groupie in “Almost Famous” and is now claiming to be one in real life. She says she’s a Muse groupie because her fiancé is in the band.

 

 

10.) Johnny Galecki of “The Big Bang Theory” gets himself hot blondes! He once dated his co-star, Kaley Cuoco, and now he’s dating actress Kelli Garner. I’m not sure what Kelli Garner is famous for, but she’s pretty.

 

 

11.) Niel Patrick Harris, his fiancé, and twin children are moving to NYC. Hopefully, they will be getting married soon, as they’ve been together 10 years.

 

12.) Robert Downey, Jr. advises other men about cheating on their partners. If you don’t want to get caught, don’t cheat! Good advice.

 

 

13.) So there’s going to be a sequel to the Smurfs movie. And Britney Spears is recording a song for the soundtrack. All the more reason to skip this one.

 

14.) Sandra Bullock is really cool. She’s screening her upcoming film early for Boston police and FBI agents.

 

 

15.) Another Real Housewives spinoff is in the works. Nene Leakes will star in a series about her second marriage to her ex-husband Greg.

 

16.) Sunday Night Football announcer Al Michaels got himself a DUI.

 

 

17.) In between antiquing trips, Kid Rock found the time to criticize Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z for their exorbitant ticket prices. I’m with Kid on this one. If I had the desire to see the “Suit and Tie” performers, I’d have to shell out $250. If I wanted to see Kid Rock, it’d only run me $20. I’m saving money by not going to either show this summer.

 

 

18.) Glee has been renewed for two more seasons. That’s two more seasons I won’t be watching. The show has gone from cute to sucky in the space of one season.

 

19.) Prince Harry is going to lead a bunch of injured British military men and women on a trek to the South Pole.

 

 

20.) Kim Kardashian is having a lonely pregnancy. Kanye West has been MIA because he’s recording in Paris, leaving Kim to cry all alone.

 

 

 

21.) Selena Gomez may have been proud of making her ex, Justin Bieber, cry. But he’s probably stopped crying now because the stupid girl is back together with him!

 

22.) Ewwww! Jennifer Love Hewitt may be the next “X Factor” judge. Simon Cowell is scraping the bottom of the barrel these days. On the bright side, Reba McEntire and Kelly Rowland are also being considered.

 

 

23.) Bethenny Frankel left her latest divorce and custody hearing “hysterical.” Sorry, Bethy, that’s what you get for being such a bitch by trying to keep your daughter’s father from her.

 

24.) Duchess Kate is “stressing” about getting just the right stroller and car seat for the Royal Fetus.

 

 

25.) COVER STORY: Us Weekly reports that Ann Curry was bullied and tortured during her run on “Today.” The antics by Lauer and producers were borderline hazing rituals as they worked to oust the talented anchor. Some staffers used to get together to screen a montage of Curry’s on-air mistakes. Her revenge is to wake up early and watch “Good Morning, America.” And she says she’ll never speak to Matt again. Producers, who declared getting rid of Curry would be like “killing Bambi” named their plot “Operation Bambi.” What a bunch of dicks! Meanwhile, “Today” isn’t winning the ratings since hiring new blood, Samantha Guthrie. Serves them right!

 

26.) In hilarious news, Reese Witherspoon got in a little trouble with the police when her husband got arrested for DUI. She pulled the ol’ “don’t you know who I AM?” routine, which didn’t work all that well for her, since she got arrested, too.

 

 

27.) Ozzy Osbourne recently admitted he has been drinking and drugging again. Wife Sharon declared, “It’s drugs or me!” According to Us Weekly, anyway.

 

28.) Somebody I’ve never heard of modeled a bunch of jeans to show off the new denim trends. Unfortunately, the trends are pretty much all skinny jeans. And not everyone should wear skinny jeans. Skinny jeans lead to muffin tops.

 

 

29.) Mark Wahlberg got a fake tan for an upcoming role. He also ate a ton to gain weight. I want to be an actress who has to gain weight for a role!

 

30.) Ladies, get to the mall and buy yourself a bright yellow mini-dress! All the stars are wearing them!

 

 

31.) You (yes, YOU) can look younger with the use of very expensive products.

 

32.) Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks got herself a Bieber haircut! She admits she looks like a douche now. Okay, not exactly her words, but still.

 

 

33.) Macklemore was pictured in the Fashion Police feature wearing a fringed suit. The fashion police didn’t like his look, but what can you expect from a guy who goes to the thrift shop with only $20 in his pocket?

 

34.) Tie dye is not a good look for everyone. Including celebs!

 

 

So that’s what I learned. There wasn’t as much “funny” in this issue, but things will surely improve as Kim K gets more and more preggers.

 

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: trust means I can monitor your email) April 21, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 8:18 AM

mirandalambert_blakeshelton_usweekly2_vHello, enablers! Did you miss me? I spent a few weekends in Hawaii, where the Us Weeklys are a week behind. My apologies to those of you who wanted to read more about the Kardashians being America’s royal family. But I’m back now, so on to our stories!

Blake Shelton is a flirt and his lovely wife, Miranda Lambert trusts him so much, she monitors his phone and email! That and SO MUCH MORE is what I learned by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)    In a shocking turn of events, a Teen Mom has turned porn star. Sources say Farrah Abraham is trying to become more famous by going the Kim Kardashian route. She freaked out about a sex tape “accidentally” being released, but as it turns out, she was paid to make the video. Gee. I never saw this coming from a teen mom.

 

2.)    MTV has canceled a show I’ve never heard of because one of the cast members died. Sadly, it apparently takes death to rid the world of obnoxious reality shows.

 

3.)    Betty Draper goes dark! January Jones dyed her hair brown for her Mad Men role.

 

4.)    Gwyneth Paltrow, who is far too young for the stuff, has declared she will never do Botox again because it made her look like Joan Rivers.

 

5.)    Reese Witherspoon has also dyed her hair brown for a role.

 

6.)    It’s true. There will be another “Beverly Hills Cop.” And Eddie Murphy has dusted off his Detroit Lions jacket for it.

 

7.)    The MTV Movie Awards happened.

 

8.)    Halle Berry is pregnant and I had no idea! Us Weekly is doing a piss-poor job of reporting, I think!

 

9.)    George W. Bush is a grandpa. I’m scared.

 

10.) I guess the new thing is to renew your vows after 5 years of marriage. Um…give things a chance to get a little rough so you can really celebrate your success with a vow renewal. I suppose in Hollywood, though, five years is something of a miracle.

 

11.) Jessica Biel never wants to give Justin Timberlake time alone. She follows him even on the golf course.

 

12.) 38-year-old Bradley Cooper is dating a 20-year-old named Suki.

 

13.) Sorry, boys, Nate Berkus is off the market. He proposed to his boyfriend on a hike in Peru.

 

14.) Robert Pattinson threw his creepy girlfriend Kristen Stewart an all-night rager for her 23rd birthday.

 

15.) Taylor Swift is kind of a spoiled brat. When she learned that her ex, John Mayer, was scheduled to perform before her at the CMAs, she flipped. Tay-Tay eventually got her way and performed before Mayer, but ended up not winning anything and skipped all the after parties like a big baby.

 

16.) Ozzy Osbourne admitted that he has been drinking and doing drugs for the past year plus. But he and Sharon are NOT divorcing. She has years of practice putting up with his shit.

 

17.) Miranda Lambert is the new Tammy Wynette. She says divorcing Blake Shelton is not an option and monitors all his stuff to keep him in line. Apparently, some contestant on The Voice fell in love with him or something. And Blake believed that Christina Aguilera’s boobs deserved their own chair on the show.

 

18.) Amanda Bynes has completely lost her mind. And it’s awesome to watch! I follow her on Twitter just to see what craziness she’ll come up with next.

 

19.) Tori Spelling lost all her baby weight after infant #4. Us wants to tell me how she did it, but I’m not interested.

 

20.) Matt Damon and his lovely wife Luciana renewed their vows, too. In Hawaii. This one makes more sense to me, though, since the first ceremony was just a civil one. So Matty pulled out all the stops this time for his bride. *sigh*

 

21.) A lot of big names got their start on General Hospital.

 

22.) Joe Biden is a fan of Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ show “Veep.”

 

23.) Ke$ha has her own reality show.

 

24.) Denim shirts are in? Really??

 

25.) There were some really ugly outfits at Coachella.

 

26.) Break out your disco albums and get your groove on. Bell-bottom jumpsuits are BACK!

 

So that’s what I learned, which isn’t much for being on a two-week hiatus. I’m sure there’ll be more next week, so stay tuned!

 

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: Jon Hamm’s dick is the star of this blog) March 29, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 5:09 PM
Just look at that member!

Just look at that member!

Wanna know what it’s like to be involved with a sex addict? Read on to find out about that and everything else I learned by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)                 Justin Bieber is one freaky dude. Taking a page out of the Michael Jackson handbook, he stepped out in public wearing a gas mask in London and tabloids are claiming he’s on the verge of a breakdown. I’ll keep you posted!

 

2.)                 Jon Hamm’s penis is back in the news! (It even has its own Twitter account!) Apparently, the “Mad Men” actor has a habit of going commando at work and his pee-pee has become a distraction to his co-stars. A show source said the costumers “have their hands full.” HA!

 

3.)                 Stars aren’t afraid to admit to bribing their children to get them to do things.

 

4.)                 Jay Leno (who can kiss my cute little ass) is on the way out (again) and JIMMY FALLON will be taking his place on “The Tonight Show.” This is good news for everyone under the age of 50 with a decent sense of humor.

 

5.)                 Don’t worry! L’il Wayne is on the mend!

 

6.)                 Jenna Fischer of “The Office” once worked as a telephone psychic.

 

7.)                 Elle Fanning has a crush on Ryan Gosling and once got a coloring book of the actor for Christmas.

 

8.)                 Rob Lowe got to use a jetpack and it looks so cool!

 

9.)                 Despite what I said about not calling Kim Kardashian fat in last week’s blog, I have to say she doesn’t exactly look skinny in a skin tight top and pencil skirt with her pregnant belly.

 

10.)             Bravo TV exec Andy Cohen has a rockin’ body!

 

11.)             The Kids’ Choice Awards happened and I honestly think some of the celebs who participated are people most kids haven’t even heard of.

 

12.)             Lisa Vanderpump may be starring on two series (“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” and “Dancing with the Stars”), but the REAL superstar is her teacup Pomeranian, Giggy, who is always impeccably dressed.

 

13.)             Kim K could use some style advice from pregnant Jenna Dewan (Mrs. Channing Tatum). Dewan rocks pregnancy garb and doesn’t ever look frumpy.

 

14.)             The new season of “The Bachelorette” will feature two teams of men vying for the affections of former “Bachelor” cast-off Desiree Hartsock.

 

15.)             Justin Timberlake’s hair has gone through evolution. Thank God it’s looking better these days than in his frosted tip era.

 

16.)             Willie Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” says his wife was his summer crush.

 

17.)             Miranda Lambert can’t wait to find out if her relationship with Blake Shelton is going to survive. She updates her relationship status by reading the tabloids that have most recently claimed Blake cheated on her.

 

18.)             After admitting in last week’s issue that she didn’t feel pretty enough to snag Jason Sudekis, Olivia Wilde now says they are blissfully engaged.

 

19.)             Denise Richards is a total soccer mom.

 

20.)             Us Weekly is really terrible at keeping secrets. They’re breaking the news that Hayden Panettiere is “secretly engaged” to a boxer. The pugilist variety, not the dog breed.

 

21.)             Sofia Vergara plans on using a surrogate to have a baby with her fiancé.

 

22.)             Mary-Kate Olson doesn’t want to get married. Her boyfriend is 47 (she’s 26), and he wants to pop the question, but she’s hedging.

 

23.)             Bachelor Sean Lowe and his final rose recipient Catherine Guidici have already hit a rough patch. But apparently they’re over it.

 

24.)             Snooki named J-Woww as her baby’s godmother.

 

25.)             Helena Bonham Carter will play Elizabeth Taylor to Dominic West’s Richard Burton in an upcoming film that is not being directed by Carter’s sweetie Tim Burton. I don’t see her in the role, but she’s a better choice than LiLo.

 

26.)             I didn’t even know they were dating, but Malcolm-Jamal Warner and Regina King have called it quits.

 

27.)             If you like My Chemical Romance, you will be disappointed to know that they broke up.

 

28.)             Former Teen Mom Farrah Abraham snagged herself a DUI. Keep it classy, Farrah!

 

29.)             Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie make more than just babies. Their wine earned 90 points from Wine Spectator.

 

30.)             THIS PART IS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION!! Did I get your attention? Tiger Woods likes nookie and Lindsey Vonn doesn’t seem to mind. Meanwhile, ol’ Tiger had some competition in vying for Lindsey’s affections in the form of Kim Kardashian ex Kris Humphries. Linds sure knows how to pick ‘em! Meanwhile, her dating life may affect her endorsement deals. “What female-focused company wants its spokesperson dating a former sex addict?” a “pal” said. I want to know who things Tiger is actually cured of his addiction.

 

31.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’ Adrienne Maloof broke her contract with Bravo by not attending the reunion show. She was too chicken shit to face the music when it came to her battle with Brandi Glanville over the news that Adrienne used a surrogate to have her 9-year-old twins. WHO THE HELL CARES, ADRIENNE?? Face the music, ya dumb whore! (Sorry. I am very strongly on Brandi’s side in this reality show debacle and won’t miss Adrienne next season since she’s a big fat quitter!)

 

32.)             People are a little peeved at Matt Lauer, myself included, for his role in getting the very talented Ann Curry ousted from “The Today Show.” NBC could give him the boot before his contract is up in 2015.

 

33.)             A bunch of women have undergone self makeovers and they look simply lovely. But I don’t need 10 pages of it! What a waste of space that could be better used to report celebrity bullshit!

 

34.)             Back to the “Real Housewives” franchise. Despite earlier intentions, Alexis Bellino is back as an OrangeCounty housewife. Jesus Jugs, as she was so aptly named by a castmate, has a new Bible-thumping ally this season, though, which could make things more interesting.

 

35.)             There may be another zombie on “The Walking Dead.” Apparently, someone is going to die, but no one knows who.

 

36.)             Tie-dye dresses are unattractive on just about everyone.

 

37.)             “Mad Men,” starring Jon Hamm’s penis, is returning on April 7! Set your DVRs and tune in on HD.

 

So that’s what I learned. I would like to learn more about Jon Hamm’s penis, but I doubt I’ll ever get the chance to meet it in person to ask a few questions. Happy Easter!

 

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: pregnancy can make you fat) March 28, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 8:13 AM

fat kim k  Don’t call Kim Kardashian fat! I’ll tell you what will happen to you if you do once I get to that story in this week’s Us Weekly!

 

1.)                 The Bachelor alum Jason Mesnick and wife Molly had a daughter. Jason famously chose another woman to be his wife before dumping her to marry Molly. But so far, the relationship is a success, which is totally amazeballs since that show isn’t exactly known for resulting in much more than one night stands.

 

2.)                 Fans of “Veronica Mars” have deep pockets. Deep enough to have helped fund a movie version of the hit series.

 

3.)                 It sucks to live with Gwyneth Paltrow. She doesn’t let her husband or kids eat carbs. Meanwhile, she tells Us she almost died after suffering a miscarriage a few years back.

 

4.)                 Olivia Wilde didn’t think her fiancé, SNL star Jason Sudekis, would be interested in her because she isn’t pretty enough.

 

5.)                 For a pro-football player, Tom Brady has surprisingly small pecs.

 

6.)                 Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are back together!

 

7.)                 Lindsay Lohan got off easy once again. She was sentenced to 90 days of rehab, 30 days of community service, and 18 months of therapy for reckless driving. That train wreck should be spending quality time behind bars!

 

8.)                 I regret to inform you that “Bachelor Pad” will be taking a hiatus and won’t air this summer. You’ll have to watch attractive people getting drunk and having orgies over on MTV’s “Real World” instead.

 

9.)                 I guess Us Weekly is a little behind on the John Mayer/Katy Perry story. Us reports they’re not broken up, while People says it’s totes OVER!

 

10.)             Liam Hemsworth’s friends apparently aren’t fans of fiancée Miley Cyrus. They want him to break up with her.

 

11.)             Former Playmate Holly Madison named her kid Rainbow.

 

12.)             Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn decided to turn their relationship into a press event by releasing a joint statement confirming that they are together.

 

13.)             Britney Spears wasn’t heartbroken for long after her breakup with former bodyguard Jason Trawick. She’s moved on to a new guy who works in a law firm.

 

14.)             Steve Carell and his wife Nancy are still going strong after 17 years of marriage. He says he has upgraded his gifts to her from homemade coupons for a free massage to actual spa treatments. Good boy!

 

15.)             COVER STORY: Kim Kardashian, who has never been known as a skinny minnie, doesn’t want people calling her fat just because she’s pregnant and wears inappropriately tight clothing. She wore a black and white dress out and about and bloggers decided to compare her to Shamu. Which is pretty mean. Us Weekly featured an array of Kim pics in different maternity styles, none of which appear to be very maternity-ish, but the mag claims she’s learning how to dress for her condition. I’ll believe it when I see it, but calling the girl a whale is going over the line. At least she’s not stick thin and unhealthy! Meanwhile, Kourtney and Khloe have both lost weight while brother Rob is packing on the pounds. Nothing will happen to you if you call any of them fat, provided you don’t say it to their faces.

 

16.)             Adele’s getting married! She already had the baby, which took her away from the music world indefinitely, so hopefully the pending marriage won’t make her hiatus last even longer!

 

17.)             Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough split because he wasn’t ready to settle down. Personally, I think it’s because he’s sadly still in the closet.

 

18.)             “Teen Mom” star Leah Calvert had yet another baby after giving birth to twins three years ago.

 

19.)             Jennifer Garner is teaching her daughters the art of makeup. For Jennifer, this means lip gloss and little else. Go, girl!

 

20.)             The Real Housewives of Orange County are back. Even Alexis “Jesus Jugs” Bellino who reportedly quit during the off-season, but returned with another God fearing friend for the upcoming season. Should be good stuff.

 

21.)             Speaking of bad TV I have no business watching, I will be tuning in to MTV for the “Real World: Portland” season, which debuts tonight! Since Bachelor Pad is taking a break, I figure I’ll get my drunken debauchery through this show.

 

My sincere apologies for this blog being so late! My husband attempted to recycle this week’s issue before I had the chance to write about it! So he very sweetly dug it out of the recycling can for me. Major props to Mr. Susie!!! Until next week, lovers, which will probably be in two days… Keep on gossipin’!

 

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (or: you can even have secrets in utero!) March 15, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 5:13 PM
Isn't she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

Isn’t she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

I don’t know how they did it, but Us Weekly has apparently learned a few private things about the Royal Fetus. I suppose the simplest way would be to simply ask the Royal Fetus directly, so I’m sure that’s what they did. Here are some more secrets I learned by reading Us Weekly:

 

1.)                 Vanessa Lachey admits she suffered from post-partum depression, but Starbucks and OneRepublic helped her overcome it.

 

2.)                 George Lucas announced that Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford have all signed on for the next Star Wars trilogy. I was a little worried that Harry would hold out and it just wouldn’t be the same without him. The dude is 70! Can’t wait to see elder porn with him and Carrie.

 

3.)                 Gwyneth Paltrow admits “I should have worn a bra” to the 2002 Oscars, to which she wore a sheer-ish gown that emphasized her not-so-perky boobs.

 

4.)                 The woman who once netted $12 million per movie is now asking her ex for alimony. She’s proven to be desperate about a lot of things. I’ll let you guess who I’m talking about, but don’t cheat by going out and buying this week’s Us, or you’ll have no reason to continue reading this blog!

 

5.)                 Nicki Minaj was the star of this week’s “What’s in my Bag” feature and I was shocked that her purse isn’t full of morning-after pills and KY jelly.

 

6.)                 Carly Rae Jepsen may have annoyed the universe with “Call Me Maybe,” but she gets major points from me for backing out of headlining the Boy Scouts’ National Scout Jamboree because the scouts are homophobes.

 

7.)                 Matt Damon got his butt spray tanned for his role in the upcoming Liberace biopic and his wife got to watch!

 

8.)                 Jessica Simpson is moving into Ozzy Osbourne’s former home and plans to re-paint the black walls.

 

9.)                 Ugh. Harry Styles of One Direction is going to be recreated in wax for Madame Tussaud’s. The wax museum is really slumming these days. Can’t they wait until a celeb has made more of a mark than becoming an overnight sensation and soon-to-be has-been?

 

10.)             Khloe Kardashian was snapped wearing gartered tights with a skirt that was much too short, showing off the garters. That’s not the way you’re supposed to do it, Khloe. You leave a little to the imagination to be sexy.

 

11.)             Paris Jackson, who is sporting shorter, darker hair, is now a cheerleader for her L.A. high school.

 

12.)             Guys! Zoe Saldana has a sister. And she’s equally hot! Ladies! Justin Long has a brother! And he’s equally awkward-looking.

 

13.)             Liev Schrieber is “just like Us” because he washes himself down. The difference is that he does so by going shirtless and dousing himself with a gallon of water like he belongs in a Diet Pepsi commercial from the ‘90s.

 

14.)             It’s “time to unwind” for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, whatever that means.

 

15.)             Anne Hathaway is not loved by all. She’s been upset by recent comments from Hatha-haters, as she lovingly calls them.

 

16.)             Ali Larter’s son is going through the terrible twos – just as she started to think she had the whole parenting thing under control.

 

17.)             Maggie Gyllenhaal got her 7-year-old daughter a fancy pair of vintage slippers just because the kid was home sick.

 

18.)             If you grew up in the 80s, as I did, you will be pleased or disgusted to know they’re remaking a movie from that era. “Heat” will star Sofia Vergara and Jason Statham.

 

19.)             Sarah Jessica Parker has given up heels! (Except for special occasions, of course.) And it’s all because she now has a deformed foot from wearing stilettos for so many years.

 

20.)             In really, really BAD news, Jon Stewart has announced that he will be taking the entire summer off from taping “The Daily Show.” In better news, Jon Oliver will fill in as host.

 

21.)             Alec Baldwin has announced that his wife will soon be presenting him with another “selfish little pig.” A daughter!

 

22.)             Holy frijoles! Ferris Bueller is 51 freakin’ years old!

 

23.)             Kristin Cavillari claims that “The Hills” producers asked her co-stars to lie about her drug use by plying them with Birkin bags.

 

24.)             Justin Timberlake cleverly took a shot at Kanye West during his live performance of “Suit and Tie” on SNL last weekend. While, I’m no fan of Kanye, I have to agree with his opinion that the song sucks. JT has simply stopped trying. Except when he’s doing “History of Rap” routines with Jimmy Fallon.

 

25.)             Kelly Osbourne apparently had a seizure while taping “Fashion Police” for E! Unfortunately, the seizure won’t be aired.

 

26.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville penned a memoir recently and it’s already been tossed around by movie makers.

 

27.)             Buh-bye, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Lord split ya! Oh, and Brooke Shields’ name has been bandied about as a possible replacement.

 

28.)             COVER STORY: The Royal Fetus has been nicknamed “Grape” by her parents. Kate has been craving chocolate. And Wills spends as much time with her as possible. Secrets revealed! For the record, the Royal Fetus has a Twitter account where more secrets are surely revealed. Follow @RoyalFetus and tell it SusieWorld sent ya! This week’s image is courtesy of that twitter feed!

 

29.)             It’s looking like Miley Cyrus’ engagement to Liam Hemsworth is OFF! He reportedly cheated on her with January Jones.

 

30.)             Wynonna Judd says she will vote for her sister Ashley if Ash decides to run for public office, even though they don’t agree on much politically.

 

31.)             Taylor Swift had her “worst week ever,” according to Us. Wonder how many boys broke up with her.

 

32.)             Okay, the best way to ruin a classic novel is to turn it into a 3-D movie. Which is what they’re doing with “The Great Gatsby.” I was looking forward to this flick, but now I think I’ll pass. Plus, the ladies are all wearing Prada instead of vintage.

 

33.)             If one of them isn’t enough crazy for you, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen end up “clicking” as bed partners in “Scary Movie 5.” Now THAT’S a scary movie!

 

So? Do you feel more informed? Do you feel like you’re practically inside Duchess Kate’s uterus? Do you want to climb into bed with Lindsay Lohan? I hope you’re feeling all this and more!!! Thanks for reading!

 

What I learned by reading Us Weekly (the post-Oscars edition) March 2, 2013

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — susieworld @ 7:54 AM
I couldn't find an image of this week's cover, so here is a picture of a kitten.

I couldn’t find an image of this week’s cover, so here is a picture of a kitten.

So most of what I learned this week is who all the ladies wore to the Oscars. But the cover story was about the (air quotes) virgin (un-air quotes) bachelor being torn between two women. There’s good stuff this week, though, so check it out!

 

1.)                Us Weekly begins the issue by being its usual presumptuous self by claiming to know “what went wrong” between Josh Brolin and Diane Lane, who recently ended their eight-year marriage. But “a pal” says it was simply too much time apart. “It’s not ugly. It’s just over.”

 

2.)                Don’t MESS with Kelly Clarkson! She’s a little POed at Clive Davis, who she says lied about her in his new memoir and in real life made her cry.

 

3.)                Divas will be divas. Even in the delivery room. Beyonce’s mom curled her hair before she gave birth. Snooki wore bronzer and false eyelashes to deliver her son. And Mariah Carey pushed out two oddly-named babies before changing into a wedding gown and renewing her vows.

 

4.)                Boy George recently lost a shit-ton of weight! Go, boy!

 

5.)                66% of Us Weekly readers say Harper Beckham has a better pout than her famous Spice Girl mom, Victoria.

 

6.)                QUOTE OF THE ISSUE: “I’ve been watching shows like ‘I’m Pregnant and Addicted to Meth.’ It definitely makes me feel better if I’m wanting one sip of Diet Coke … I’m like, ‘This woman is on METH.’” –Kim Kardashian

 

7.)                81% of Us Weekly readers agree with me and abhor Anne Hathaway’s Oscar gown.

 

8.)                Kristen Stewart, who annoys the bejeezus out of me, was a gimp at the awards show because she’d stepped on a piece of glass and didn’t want to use crutches. So she looked like an idiot instead. Also, she needs a comb.

 

9.)                The highlight of George Clooney’s post-Oscar “Argo” bash was that everyone wanted to do shots.

 

10.)            The bar was substantially lowered after the Academy Awards, as evidenced by the attendance list at Elton John’s AIDS Foundation party. Britney Spears and all three Kardashians were in attendance. Brit-Brit is sporting darker locks these days and looks good considering who she is.

 

11.)            There was another awards show last weekend. No one cares about the Independent Spirit Awards, though.

 

12.)            Natalie Portman’s Yorkshire terrier must pee a lot. She named him “Whiz.”

 

13.)            Now that they’ve announced she’s preggers, Fergie and Josh Duhamel are “nesting” by remodeling their house. Nothing like the chaos of a remodel followed immediately by the chaos of a newborn.

 

14.)            Dev Patel and Freida Pinto may be skinny, but they do eat.

 

15.)            Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer had a date night! OMG!

 

16.)            Former Bachelorette Emily Maynard is peeved that she was snubbed by Dancing With the Stars.

 

17.)            Andy Samberg put SOMETHING in a box. Apparently it was not his dick, but a ring. He’s engaged to a woman he’s been dating for the last five years. Don’t worry. You’ve never heard of her.

 

18.)            LeAnn Rimes may get her own TV show, much to Brandi Glanville’s chagrin. Rumors have been swirling that LeAnn could be joining her husband’s ex on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but I don’t see that happening. LeAnn’s people say she has been approached to do both unscripted and scripted TV.

 

19.)            Christina Applegate quietly got married last month. It was so quiet, only six people were invited.

 

20.)            Jennifer Love Hewitt is not married, or even attached, but she’s gonna have a baby, dammit!

 

21.)            Bethenny Frankel’s ex, Jason Hoppy has friends looking out for him by trying to set him up with dates.

 

22.)            Janet Jackson also quietly got married. Last year. But she tends to quietly get married as a rule.

 

23.)            Uh oh. Lindsay Lohan is in a heap of trouble with a little agency known as the IRS.

 

24.)            Mark your calendars! Justin Timberlake will be hosting SNL on March 9 and will perform with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night that entire week. Love me some JT. And if you have not seen his “History of Rap” videos with Jimmy, get thee on the You Tube and watch them!

 

25.)            Catherine and Lindsay are the two finalists to become the future ex-wife of Bachelor Sean Lowe. Meanwhile, producers are already looking at the cast offs to see who will become the next Bachelorette.

 

26.)            Duchess Kate is starting to show!

 

27.)            And Prince Harry has a new lady.

 

28.)            I’m sad to report that Michelle Williams and Jason Segel have split. Like Josh and Diane, it was mainly because they were too busy leading separate lives to see each other. I liked these two together, so, BUMMER!

 

29.)            The USO doesn’t get the kind of command performances it used to. This year’s special guest was Kellie Pickler, who was on American Idol but didn’t win.

 

30.)            In its parting shot, Us Weekly features the biggest fashion victims in Oscar history. Among them are Cher, Faith Hill, Gwyneth Paltrow, Geena Davis, Whoopi Goldberg, and, of course, Bjork who famously laid an egg in her swan dress on the red carpet. Personally, I’d say she was among the best dressed! Did you SEE some of those gowns last week? Ugh!

 

So that’s it, ladies and germs! Hope you’re as edumacated as I am on the goings-on in Tinseltown. Until next week, I bid you adieu!